Is 'The Three Musketeers' the Stupidest Movie Available? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

Beginning today, you will find the opportunity to determine an awful movie titled 'The Three Musketeers.' Most likely, you'll, properly, not act relating to this chance. I wasn't as lucky: my bank card was charged $18 in exchange to be allowed in to a theater where 'The Three Musketeers' have been proven. Just like a service, here's an reaction to every question you may have about Paul W.S. Anderson's 'The Three Musketeers.' (Honestly, It's surprising this movie can be obtained.) Q: When perhaps you have see 'The Three Musketeers'? A: I paid out to find out an early on Friday morning showing because 'The Three Musketeers' wasn't examined for experts in NY City. Q: Why wasn't 'The Three Musketeers' examined for experts in NY City? A: As it is really bad. Q: How can 'The Three Musketeers' begin? A: Getting a voiced-over animated montage of exposition that shitty movies start with. Q: When can we meet 'The Three Musketeers'? A: Fairly quickly. Following a first montage, we're given another montage through which we fulfill the Musketeers one at a time -- who now resemble ninjas greater than swordsmen. Q: Are you aware the Musketeers doing once we meet them? A: They are in Venice around the mission for 3 secrets that will open Da Vinci's vault. The truth is, with utilization of Da Vinci's booby-trapped vault, they could steal his plans for your ultimate weapon. Q: What's Da Vinci's ultimate weapon? A: A sailing ship getting a sizable balloon installed on it. Q: In the event you required to compare 'The Three Musketeers' to two other movies, what movies are you able to match it up with to? A: 'The Three Musketeers' can be a mix between "Resident Evil' and 'Wild Wild West.' Basically: plenty of cartoonish, slow-motion action, combined with "old timey" technology that's a lot better than technology that individuals have today in solid existence. Q: Just what occurs people plans for your ultimate weapon? A: The Musketeers are fooled by Milady (Milla Jovovich), who steals the plans from their website. The flicks jumps ahead twelve several weeks which we uncover the Musketeers all still spend some time together, but they're outdated but still sad in what happened. Q: When can they stop being sad? A: After an arrogant youthful kid named D'Artagnan challenges the three in the musketeers -- all individually, and many types of oddly accidentally, I will explain -- with a fight. Before they fight, 40 in the evil Cardinals' pads attack some of those. Clearly, the now four musketeers defeat the 40 pads. Q: Since 'The Three Musketeers' happens mostly in France, does anybody speak French? Maybe no less than a French accent? A: No. In 'The Three Musketeers,' a lot of the figures talk to an British accent. As well as the handful of that don't meet with a u . s . states accent. I'm speaking about, screw it: why even try, right? Q: The amount of occasions might be the term "retro" found in 'The Three Musketeers'? A: Once. Q: So 'The Three Musketeers' is about a sailing ship getting a sizable balloon installed on it? A: Good God, If perhaps. I'm speaking about, yes, the sailing ship getting a sizable balloon installed on it influences movie, but 'The Three Musketeers' handles to acquire a much more convoluted than that. There's something of a necklace beginning a war. Q: Will you explain the plot of 'The Three Musketeers', please? A: Honestly, it's humanly impossible simply because they have tried to mesh a few facets of it with, well, 'Resident Evil.' But here's my best attempt. Christoph Waltz plays a cardinal who want to function as ruler of France (In my opinion). But she must have the King taken proper care of... Q: Might be the King a tyrant? A: Really, the youthful King seems quite reasonable and nice enough. He's even pals while using musketeers! So, to start a war, Waltz conspires (In my opinion) to steal a valued gem necklace within the Filled with France. Q: Wait, wouldso would stealing a necklace start a war? A: Waltz grown some fake love letters within the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Blossom) for the Full inside the King's desk. Q: Wait, what? A: As well as the fake love letters within the Duke particularly explain the Full gave him the gem necklace just like a gift for having sex along with her. Q: Are you currently presently visiting a from the up? A: No. So, the King finds the letters and asks Waltz what direction to go. Waltz signifies the King throw a ball inside the Queen's recognition. If she doesn't placed on the necklace, they are fully aware the letter is true. But, the truth is, the entire can't placed on the necklace since it is been stolen by Alice from Resident Evil Milady. Q: Is the matter that you left the theater? A: Sadly, no. Now, while using necklace stolen, the Queen's lady in waiting -- who D'Artagnan is deeply deeply in love with -- asks the musketeers to go to England to steal the necklace back just before the ball, that's in five days. And, while they're there, steal the flying sailing ship getting a balloon installed on it, too. There's your movie, folks. (Yes, this might be construed as something that's loosely the plot in the book, too. If that is what you're thinking, Alexandre Dumas will haunt you.) Q: Once the King can be a reasonable guy and likes the musketeers, why didn't someone just tell the King, "Hey, someone is trying to trick you?" Or, "look, on top, you will discover 10 dead pads that Milla Jovovich destroyed before she stole the necklace. That's proof that there's a robbery?" A: As this is the stupidest f-cking movie I've come across. Q: If you'll probably be blurbed in this weekend's ads for 'The Three Musketeers,' what quote can you hope may be used? A: "This really is really the stupidest f-ckng movie I've seenInch -- Mike Ryan, Moviefone Q: Is it possible to show me why Oscar champion Christoph Waltz in 'The Three Musketeers?' A: Really the only reasonable explanation is always that Waltz wasn't conscious that might be two Paul Andersons. I think about the phone conversation went something such as, "Hey, Christoph, it's Paul Anderson, would you like to maintain 'The Three Musketeers'? "Hey, Paul, you wager I'd. I loved 'There Will Probably Be Blood stream.'" Q: When Christoph Waltz recognized he'd conserve a film directed with the guy who directed 'Resident Evil,' the thing that was most likely Waltz's first word? A: NEIN! Q: Does 'The Three Musketeers' scam "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn'? A: Through the weather fight involving the sailing ship getting a sizable balloon installed on it the musketeers are saved to as well as the sailing ship getting a sizable balloon installed on it the crooks are saved to, the musketeers pilot their damaged sailing ship getting a sizable balloon installed on it in to a thunderstorm. What transpires is virtually just what happens after when the Enterprise gets into the Mutara nebula. Q: What scene was one which you jeered within the most difficult this year? A: If the appears that Milla Jovovich jumps to her dying in the up high sailing ship getting a balloon installed on it -- Aramis looks over and solemnly states, before Jovovich even hits water, "no less than she died the means by which she were living." Yes, quickly decreasing for the dying after jumping from the sailing ship getting a balloon installed on it -- precisely how she were living. Q: What upset probably the most about 'The Three Musketeers'? A: The normal male lifespan within the united states . States is just over 75 years. Meaning you will discover typically 657,000 several hours inside the average male lifespan -- which i made use of just a few people to check out 'The Three Musketeers.' You'll be able to contact Mike Ryan on Twitter. Follow Moviefone on Twitter Like Moviefone on Facebook [Photo: Summit Entertainment]